She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP -She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.